Ad Noctum

Death is a strange thing, how do you come to grips with the end of all that you know? I'm told that it affords us the chance to realize how important people are to us, not the end, but a beginning of a new journey just on the other side of fifty years from now. What they don't tell you is that it also takes away any chance for new memories with that person, puts an undisputed finish on your ability to tell that person how much you loved them, or the impact they had on you. It brings into sharp contrast the fact that one day, you will die.

It almost seems like a gag reel from an old Marx brothers skit, to give us this tiny space of time, a "here today, gone tomorrow" existense, and then fill us with the nonsensical desire to attempt the sprinkling of permanence over all of it. But, ours is to endure, not understand. It's not a part of "the plan" for us to know why horrible things happen, only that they do, and we are powerless to stop them. Apparently, compassion was not a part of a the design, for all his supposed wisdom he certainly has a poor grasp on human nature and our connections to those we love. Or maybe he has a deep understanding of us, and likes to watch us suffer, maybe he's a sadist.

Death doesn't just take life from us, it takes that persons dignity away as well, before they pass they have to wither a bit, twitch and grow frail, brittle and senseless, the demanded pound of flesh for the privilidge (if only there were a font called "sarcastic"...) of being a part of all this. The personal horror of staring out through blank eye's year after year at a world that looks totally upside-down, only the frustrated and pitiful glances of strangers in your mind to keep you company, no honor, no legacy. If you are unlucky enough to keep your wits about you, you get the luxury of seeing who shows up to care for you, and to say good-bye (or rather, who doesn't show up).

Betrayal. Another of death's little gifts, manifested in the drama and self-centeredness that enevitably rears it's ugly head to pay respects. The funeral isn't for the person who passed, it's so that vengance can be met out on people you haven't seen in years, all that bottled up anger and resentment gets to boil over and turn yet another memory into a sideshow of freakish family skeletons. Who owes what to who, and who shouldn't be included, who was wrong and who could have done more, and so it goes- on, and on, and on.

Let's not forget about guilt, that one is special made for people who care too much. When someone you love dies, someone you've cared for through the ordeal of dying, it's not just that you don't have that person to look at anymore, or that you won't ever talk to them again, hear the sound of their voice or laughter. It's not just that you won't ever look into their eye's again, or see them smile, it's the gnawing feeling that you didn't try hard enough, that there was more to be done, or that you are somehow to blame for all of it. You couldn't save them. A keen razor that would carve scars into anyone, but add to that overwhelming sensation the fact that it's your mother, and you've effectively ruined two lives for the price of one.

I can almost see my grandmother rolling over in her laquered, open casket now.

I've seen enough of this world, I'm weary of it's misery, of coniving, and malicious, self-serving ends. That I love and care for a multitude of people is only salt in an open wound, something else to be taken from me, it doesn't make me appreciate them more, it makes me angry. There are no garantee's that I'll ever see them again, you've seen to that, all I have is the assurance that everything I love will one day rot. "Unfair" doesn't even begin to cover it, and when I talk about selfishness it's not just us I'm talking aout, what kind of a God would impose this fate on us? How could he watch this unfold, no, CAUSE it to unfold and then claim to care for me?! If you care so much then stop taking things away, you don't have to give me anything, just stop taking. If you had told us that we were already in hell, and when people die it's because they've paid they're dues and get to leave, it would have been more believable than the garbage about love and sacrifice you've fed us so far! Write that down.

I'm tired of the concept of ten commandments to base my life around, instead, bring me ten reasons to give a shit. Jesus doesn't count, you've just about thumped the hell out of that one, people's children die everyday, it's not special anymore...maybe it never was.

Good-bye Mae-Mae, I love you very much, you will be dearly missed, but I will carry pleasant memories of you in my heart forever.

Happy mother's day...