Step right up folks, don't be shy! Muster your courage, and bear witness to the unthinkable, the terrible, the mind bogglingly wretched, festering horror of...LIFE!!!!!!
Yeees, now you can experience the horrid, and debilitating lonliness of loss. Revel in the glory of ever-lasting love and companionship....did we say "ever-lasting"? Hahahaha! Sorry, our bad.
Soak up the moment you see the person you love with all your being, the person you KNOW you could spend the rest of your life with, as they fall dreamily into the arms of someone better than you! And be sure not to miss the moral lesson of these special keepsakes life bestows on us! That which doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!
Devote your every waking moment to a project that will never, ever work! Make life changeing connections along the way, that will rend the very fiber of your being asunder when they inevitably leave, or betray you!
Trust as if there's not a knife poised over your back, waiting for you to get good, and comfortable before delivering the crippling stroke(Hahaha! because death would just be too easy)! Throw yourself whole-heartedly again, and again into endeavor's that will never bear fruit! Feel the crushing weight of time on your shoulder's as your biological clock ticks away relentlessly in the back of your mind!
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
If you call now, you'll also get our complimentary, completely hereditary, terminal illness to pass along to your loved ones! The first fifteen callers will recieve special placement in the velvet rope section of a thrid world country with no running water or medical care!
As if that weren't enough, we're also going to throw in, at no further cost to you, the opportunity to slave this gift of life away in a camp...I mean, job, that will never provide you with more than "just enough" to scrap by! There-by Ensuring that you never miss a chance to see the disappointment on the faces of those that depend on you!
It is our companies policy, and most sacred promise to you, never to fail in our duty to remind you constantly how important your backs are to the feet of those standing on them to reap all the rewards!
Barnum was right, suckers!
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